Best Half of the Year

Yesterday when I opened the refrigerator to retrieve the homegrown cucumbers and zucchini for refrigerator pickles and chocolate chip zucchini cake respectively, I was struck by the beauty of my fridge. Pitchers of iced tea on the top shelves, cucumber salad on the middle shelf and a veggie drawer full of cukes, zukes and yellow squash. This was my reminder that summer is coming to a wistful end and autumn is teasing us.

August to January is undoubtedly my favorite time of year though I hate saying goodbye to the heat and sending Adam back to school. I can still wear flip-flops and go sockless for several more weeks, my kitchen is cranking out wholesome goodness, the air is crisp and the world explodes in golden colors almost overnight. I love hearing the geese honk overhead and smelling bonfires in the air.

Toward the end of the best half of the year comes my most favorite holiday(s): Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thanksgiving is more provincial since we moved to ND. We used to have huge celebrations of extended family, friends and orphaned acquantices of 40 people or more. The first Thanksgiving I ever hosted in my own home had 42 guests. Most years we'd all meet up in Hawai'i but in recent history it was just a fun-themed (think Mardi Gras in November) party. Now our T-days are more subdued. Though we've had visitors from CA a few times, as we will this year, mostly it's just the 8 of us. I've had to cut back on the number of desserts I make from 2 pumpkin pies, 2 pecan pies, 1 cheesecake, 1 chocolate something and 1 'show stopper' that usually conisided with our theme of the year to 1 pumpkin pie, 1 pecan pie and 1 something else. Pies don't hold much challenge, in my opinion, so I usually like to do something that stretches my baking abilities. No idea what it will be this year. I do miss all the hoopla but still love T-day.

Christmas has become an event unlike any other since we moved. We used to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day going from one house to another, squeezing in our personal family time wherever we could. 5 separate celebrations along with traffic and family dynamics was just too much. Now we have a leisurely Christmas while still including all the family traditions we built over the years as individuals and as a family. It's two full days of good food, fun times, and reflecting on the true meaning of the holiday.

So I'm again happy to see the yellow-orange leaves waving at me in the breeze. It reminds me that we chose to live a slower life in a place where family reigns supreme.

What Is Wrong With This World?

In days gone by, the world was a nicer place to be. If someone held open a door, you said thank you. If someone gave you a gift or invited you to supper, you sent a thank you note. If you received a card or a letter, you wrote back.

Frankly that's how it still is in our house. The kids send thank-you notes (okay I write Gracey's but she colors on them) when they receive gifts. Sometimes they call the giver as well to say thank you. We say thank you to strangers who compliment us or help us somehow. Scott and I refuse to raise ungrateful people.

But the world around us is so ungrateful. Actually our culture has raised up an entire generation of young people who think they are entitled to life's perks. And parents everywhere are feeding this entitlement by buying every little thing their kid desires. It's sickening.

And this is more than just material entitlement and ungratefulness. Youth and young adults are expecting the rest of us to do more for them as if they are somehow worthy of slaves. And I can't believe the number of teenagers who don't even have jobs! What is going on in this world?

Adam told me the other day that he didn't want to have to do any work around the house like clearing the table after supper. I didn't get angry. I just said, "That's fine because I don't feel like cooking supper, making lunch, doing the laundry or keeping the house clean. I'll trade you." He got it. Every night since then he's thanked me for a delicious meal whether it was breakfast, lunch or dinner.

I'm sorry world but I don't like you. I don't like what you're doing to kids. Clean up your act and learn some manners!

I Get It! I Finally Get It!

Gracey will be two in less than a week. And just a day or two ago, I finally got it.

What did you get, you ask?

After Gracey was born, whenever I'd think of her and her exciting first four days of life, the song "Come Thou Fount" would come to mind. And whenever we'd sing that song in church, it would resonate deeply with me.

When it came time to have Gracey dedicated, I even tried looking up the scripture that inspired the composer to write those lyrics. I couldn't find any such scripture, and Scott had a verse he really liked for her, so we went with that.

Yet, the song has meant a great deal to me.

Thursday night, I was driving into town to make a last minute run to the grocery for forgotten ingredients and "Come Thou Fount" was playing on the radio.

As I sang "Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for they courts above," I realized why the song had meant so much.

Gracey was admitted to the NICU when she was a day old because she'd had an episode in which her lips turned blue indicating her oxygenation levels were off. Sure enough they were. They did a bunch of tests including EEGs, etc. The doctor suspected she had Patent Ductus Arteriosis which basically means a valve in an infants heart didn't close/seal like it should. It normally closes by or at the time of birth (aided by contractions, etc) but in c-section babies often doesn't close as it should. In most cases it closes on its own in a few days but in some cases, it requires surgery. When Gracey was released, our doctor didn't confirm the PDA but did prescribe meds for gastric reflux.

At her wellness check months later, the doctor told me she'd had PDA but it had self-corrected. I had been such a basket case and it was under control -- not requiring surgery or any other type of intervention -- that he'd kept it to himself. I know some people probably think that was wrong of him to do. But I don't. I'm grateful he did. I was so traumatized by her NICU stay and I was terrified to bring her home because I thought she was 'broken.' The best thing he could have done was let that simple fact go unsaid for a few months.

So as the song says, Gracey's little heart was physically sealed by our Almighty Father two years ago.

What A Difference A Year Makes

As the first month of summer vacation comes to a close, I've found myself basking in joy. Literally. This summer is so much better than last. Allow me to explain.

Last Summer:
-Working full-time as temporary District Sales Manager while the 'real DSM' was recovering from surgery. I was up at 6:30 working till 11 at night every day.
-Engine blew in our Blazer on business road-trip
-My Pacifica needed $2500 worth of repairs
-Back-to-back visits from in-laws
-Overbooked social calendar
-Lousy weather
-Bored son
-Feeling of impending doom (i.e. Adam was going to start kindergarten)
-Social pressure which really made me hate myself, my kids and my husband
-Felt like I was running out of time
-Nearly nightly panic attacks

This Summer:
-Working part-time as assistant DSM for 3 districts. I keep myself on a strict work schedule. I don't allow it to interfere with my home life.
-Hardly any social commitments
-Gorgeous weather
-Pacifica running very well. Woody is our "funky but useful" replacement to the blown Blazer.
-Happy son (okay he hates the homework I make him do)
-Great things happening at church
-Enjoying every minute I spend with my kids and my husband

Job 1:21 in The Message translation puts it perfectly: "God gives, God takes. God's name be ever blessed."

So many times people cite this verse in an effort to comfort someone. As in God gave a loved one life and God has taken it away. But I also interpret it to mean that God allowed turmoil and now God has removed it. Praise God!

You can tell me anything so long as it's the truth. We don't have a lot of rules in our house, but one that is sure and steady is telling the truth. Adam knows he can tell us anything but we expect the truth. Truth-telling was something both of our parents instilled in us and we hope to instill it in our children as well. And it's something we expect from friends, coworkers and family. If I ask you a question, I want to hear the truth. I don't want your version of the truth, I don't want what you think I'll believe to be the truth. I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And if I ask you the same question more than once it might just be because I already know the truth but your answer didn't have any in it. I don't like confrontation any more than the next person, but when we forego the truth in an effort to save face or avoid a confrontation, we're driving a wedge between us and the other person. I prefer to deal with a difficult truthful situation than an easy dishonest one. Likewise, I don't care much for secrecy. This is something else we've taught Adam. Keeping secrets (other than presents and surprise parties) is dangerous. I lump 'sneaking around' into secrecy.

Bloom for Jesus

Bloom for Jesus the colorful letters say on the preschool wall at Martin Luther. Bloom for Jesus. Oh that can mean so many things. But for me, it was a poignant message sent from my Father who wants me to get going on this writing project. When I read it yesterday, I said quietly, "Okay God, I get it. I'm supposed to start writing."

I've been 'researching' the Transplant/Bloom project for almost four years. Some days the only work that gets done is thinking. Other days, I read chapters and chapters of the Bible taking copious notes to support my theories. But a few months ago, God told me I needed to do more with this, take it to the next level.

You see, I was flipping through my Stampin' Up catalog and saw an adorable stamp set called "Bella's Blooms." One of the stamps says "It's Time to Bloom." I bought the set because I knew it was a message from my Father. Then I used to set to create the invitations for the college girls' Bible study I started at our church.

Two weeks later, I got another nudge. One of the girls in my study gave me a hug and said, "Oh my you smell so good." I thanked her and said it was my favorite perfume.

"What's it called?" she asked.

"In Bloom by-" I started.

"Oh my goodness. Bloom! That really is your theme!" She interjected.

Yes, dear Lord, Bloom is my theme.

So, here I am trying to get started on my blooming. Today I will work on this project. It is metamorphisizing before my very eyes and I'm so excited. I know my Father has big plans for me and my project. Now I just have to get to work.

End of Kindergarten, Already?

With the 2009-2010 school year coming to a close, I've found myself thinking a lot about Adam's first year of elementary school.

I was not even the slightest bit excited about Adam starting kindergarten last summer. I had panic attacks about running out of time with him over the summer, but the first day of school was my all time low.

That morning I found myself standing in my kitchen, holding a dirty dish towel to my face while I sobbed. I kept saying"I can't do this today; I can't do this today." After getting dressed with more crying (from me, not him), we headed off for the school, just about a mile from our house.

I watched him on the playground before school started and when the bell rang, we lined up with the other kindergartners and parents. I was a bawling mess. As we unpacked his backpack into his cubby in the hall, the second bell rang. We both jumped, startled out of our wits. Then it was time to let him go into the classroom. I cried all the way out to the car and the whole way to Cracker Barrel where I was meeting other moms for breakfast.

When I arrived at Cracker Barrel, I was surprised and overwhelmed. I'd been told a few of us would have breakfast. But there were no less than 25 moms there. I sat with a few friends from MOPS who successfuly derailed the tears. I downed diet coke after diet coke to soothe myself.

That afternoon, my dad and I picked Adam up from school in the mule. I was so excited to have my boy back after a long day without him. But, something wasn't right. I whispered my concern to my dad. He reassured me Adam was just tired and probably a little overwhelmed. Oh I how hoped he was right.

But our mornings -- including the one when I got a speeding ticket in front of the school -- followed the same pattern. I didn't cry, but Adam begged me to stay with him on the playground until the bell rang. I couldn't leave him and I just knew something was wrong. This wasn't how my Adam behaved. Our afternoons also followed suit. Adam would be quiet, and when I'd ask about school he'd get belligerant. Things went from bad to worse and over Labor Day week-end, Adam had a total breakdown. He was crying and yelling about school. Poor kid was so unhappy.

In the second week of school, I decided to talk to some other kindergarten moms at other schools. And then I visited Martin Luther Christian School. What do you know? I cried again when I saw their kindergarten classroom. I knew this was the school experience I wanted for my kids. So I took Adam to see the classroom and meet the teacher. On the way home he told me that he thought it would be good to switch schools because he wasn't learning anything. More stories have come out as the year has gone by and I know we made the right choice.

So now here I am, only a few weeks left in Adam's kindergarten year and I'm again having panic attacks that I'm running out of time and again find myself in tears over the silliest things he says and does. Oh my, no one told me that motherhood would be so emotional!

In my heart I know everything is going to be okay and I still have lots and lots of time left to enjoy my boy. But some days, it's hard to convince my head of this.

Fear

Fear

Christmas 2006, we saw the movie "Facing the Giants." One of the characters in the movie says something about there being 365 do not be afraid verses in the Bible. I cried through most of the movie. Struck by how scared I was, I decided I'd have to see if there really were 365 verses that told me not to fear. A few days went by and I didn't look that up. I was sitting in my car outside Big Lots when Casting Crown's "Voice of Truth" came on the radio. Again I was bawling. I knew fear was something I needed to deal with.

See, we'd moved to Bismarck from California six months earlier. We bought our house without ever seeing it in person. We didn't know a soul in Bismarck and Scott didn't have a job when we got here. By the time Christmas came, Scott was still looking for work and we were both anxious and scared, wondering if we'd made the right decision.

Again in my car that afternoon, I resolved to look up those verses. But I didn't. Then a few days after Christmas, I sprained my ankle and couldn't walk. With nothing to do but sit around, I got out my Bible and my laptop and looked up all those verses. Sure enough, God tells us "do not be afraid," "have not fear," 'do not be discouraged," "fear not" and "be strong" 365 times. That's once a day. I guess He knew fear would be a daily struggle for most of us.

Still there are days when life is scary or when I wake up to an anxiety attack. That's when I look at this calendar I made and remember Genesis 3:15, Joshua 10:8, Joel 2:21, Matthew 28:5, Acts 27:4 and my favorite, Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

It's The Thought That Counts

Four years ago, I went to the Mount Hermon Christian Writer's Conference in the Santa Cruz mountains of California. I started writing poetry and short stories as a child and going to this particular conference had been a dream of mine for years. This was it. I was going to come home with a contract and my career as a published writer was going to take off. I arrived with two manuscripts, an idea for a third book and the eager anticipation of a child on Christmas morning.

Day 1 was great. So was Day 2.

On Day 3, I received my submissions back. Denied. Rejected. No thanks. I was crushed. Worse, I was surrounded by other writers who had already published a book, were about to publish a book or just received a contract. I remember laying down on a bench in the amphitheatre, hiding from my friends and roommates, hiding from the editors who crushed my dreams, hiding from God really, and just sobbing. Why would God give me a gift like writing but not give me the gift of publication? That's what I wanted after all. It's all I ever wanted.

Some time later, I realized I hadn't been using my gift for God's purposes but only my own. I had been acting like the girl with the 8 oz Coke. The gift wasn't enough for me because I wasn't looking at it through God's eyes. I was seeing only the gift and not the Giver.

Since that writer's conference, I've had pieces published and the glory has been God's. Wholly His. As I trust Him in and praise Him for His goodness, my ability to see the gift as He sees it grows.

Oh, I still get jealous and frustrated that others have more writing success than I do. But I'm human and I serve a loving, forgiving, gracious God who welcomes me back when my tantrum is over.

More Coke

I will bless you with a future filled with hope -- a future of success not of suffering. You will turn back to me and ask for help, and I will answer your prayers.

Jeremiah 29:11-12

Friday's Funny

Earlier this week, I hung out with Adam's class for lunch and recess. They're a fun and funny bunch of kids and I'm amazed at how well all of them get along.

I was chatting with one of the little girls at lunch and she showed me where the dentist pulled a tooth. Ironically, I am missing the same tooth. So I showed her. Then I said, "Hey! Maybe we're sisters!" She giggled and nodded.

Then, the funny thing happened.

One of the little boys says, "You ARE sisters in Christ!"

I told him he was exactly right and it brought a huge smile to my face and his. So sweet to see a little child recognizing God's family. And funny to boot!

Three Things of Thanks

Today I am thankful for:

1. Being mechanically minded. Both Gracey and Adam take things apart. Thank God for making this mama mechanically minded so I can fix things before Daddy gets home.

2. Sore feet. When my heels are throbbing at the end of a day, I know I've accomplished much.

3. At-home exercise videos, games, machines. I'm not a gym-goer. I despise gyms actually. They are filled with germs and sweaty people. Yuck. But I would so like to get back into the shape I once was. (side note: I often remark that I've lost all the baby weight from Gracey but still have 20 pounds of Adam's baby weight hanging around 6 years later!) So thank God for creative minds who created Wii games, pilates videos and the gazelle.

Monday's Musings

Today was not a manic monday, so I thought I'd post some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head:

1. I love my life. I love being a stay-at-home mom, especially when I actually stay home. The first 3 years as a SAHM, I bounced from event to event, playdate to playdate. I was unhappy. I was exhausted. My house a mess. Doing that stint as Avon manager made me realize all I wanted to do was keep my house, spend time with my kids and be a good wife.

2. Pilates. I used to do 30-45 minutes of pilates every day before we got married. It worked wonders for my sore back and really built up my strength. I saw an infomercial for a pilates program last week and decided it was time to start up again. Well, I'm lucky to finish 15 minutes. I guess 8 years and 2 babies have a way of kicking one's butt.

3. I'm really, really mad at congress. I won't continue writing my thoughts and feelings, that's how upset I am.

Seems like I had more to muse about earlier. Now I'm just tired.

Friday's Funny

The funny thing about today is that I have nothing to say. And I can't think of anything funny that either child or parent did this week. Oh wait! I just remembered a funny!

Gracey is in the early stages of potty training. She loves to sit on the potty, wears pull-ups and will grab her crotch and say "pee". But, we have yet to have success with actualy pee in the potty.

However, last night I put her on the big potty after her bath because that's what she wanted to do. She sat there a few minutes and then was ready to get up. So I went to scoop her up, but somehow, her rear end landed in the potty! She didn't think that was very nice but I had a good chuckle.

Three Things...

...for which to be thankful.


1. Medical care. While our medical system may not be perfect (I mostly blame insurance and pharmaceutical companies), it is still an amazing blessing. Thank you God for medical science and for the men and women who practice it.
2. New friends. I am revelling in the joy of two new friendships. Neither expected but both a blessing. Thank you Lord for Heather and AnnMarie.
3. New opportunities. May they be at work, church, or at home. Thank you dear Jesus for all things new.

God's Lenses of Grace = Our Sense of Purpose

Happy St. Patrick's Day! My corned beef and cabbage is ready to cook later today. Yum!

Now as for Wednesday's Wisdom. This week, the video I'm talking about can be found here.



Recently, I've spent a lot of time thinking about high school. High school wasn't really the sitcom experience for me. Sure, I was 70 pounds thinner and a cheerleader, but I thought I was fat. I was friends with all the "crowds" but I never felt like I fit in with any of them. I went to all the social events but always felt lonely. I got good grades but school didn't come easy. I could go on and on but you get the picture.



Sometimes I wish I could send an email to my teenage self and say, "Hey, don't worry. You see yourself that way, but God doesn't. God made you the way you are for a purpose."



And that's still true today. There are things we don't like about ourselves. But if we take off our glasses of self-deprecation and put on God's glasses of grace, we'll see how He sees us: perfectly created for our purpose.



"Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16



A few weeks ago someone said, "Some people peak in high school." That's humanity talking. God says, "You peak when my work in you is complete."

Tuesday's Trivia

Did you know that when writing a screenplay, you can dictate the importance of each character based on their name?



For example, someone who has very little importance to the plot of the movie, yet has a speaking part, will simply have a title like "Janitor" or "Nurse." If there is more than one janitor, then there's "Janitor 1" and "Janitor 2."



Likewise, the main character is often assigned a first, middle and last name. This means that this character is crucial to the storyline. And then lesser characters may have a first and last name, and even lesser characters just a first name.



Kind of cool?



So, what does it mean then if yours truly has 5 names? Allow me to tell you what my names mean to me:



Kristina (aka Kristy): Heritage. On both sides of my family there is either a Christin(e/a) or a Christian in every generation dating back generation upon generation. I am the last to date. Gracey's middle name is Christine and technically my sister or my cousins could still have a child and continue the tradition.



Ruth: Fairy Godmother/Angel. Ruth was my mom's mom, my Baba. I was very, very close to her and though she died 15 years ago, I still miss her everyday. I think of her as my Fairy Godmother, as my own personal Angel.



Louise: Perseverance. Louise was my dad's step-mom, however since she raised him and his brothers, she was just "mom" to him and "grandma" to us. Two weeks after Grandma married Grandpa, he shipped off to Korea, leaving her with 3 wild hooligan sons. She had no children of her own and was the sweetest woman you'd ever meet. When parenting gets hard, I think of Grandma. If she could survive those 3 boys, I can survive my 2 kids.



Wolfer: Home. Growing up I hated my last name. No one could pronounce it right. It always came out "woofer." I always had to spell it. But now that we live in "Wolfer Country" -- my dad's family is from Linton -- I feel like I've come home.



Rose: True love. I know I'm lucky to have such a lovely married name even if the clerk at Gateway pharmacy continually asks me for my last name even after I've said "Rose." And most folks up here think "Kristy Rose" is my given name. Perhaps because of the Catholic heritage?Every rose has its thorns; this one is no exception, nor is the one I married. I found true love the moment I read Scott's first email some 11 years ago.



So now you know.

Manic Monday

The Bangles had no idea what a Manic Monday is. Not unless they had children.

As far as crazy days go, today has been fairly mild. Adam's out of school today. Gracey isn't too rumbunctious. My flu bug seems to have finally passed. The house is clean.

But, my dad is in the hospital.

My mom called at about 7:30pm on Sunday to describe my dad's leg. She thought he either had a blood clot or a pulled muscle, both of which he's had before. I told her not to mess around, just go to the ER. She agreed, however my dad was resistant. So she put him on the phone. I quite frankly said, "Dad if you to go ER and it's just a pulled muscle you're only out a copay. But if you don't go to ER and it is a blood clot, that could be it for you."

He went to ER.

Sure enough he has two blood clots in his right lower leg. So they admitted him and started him on some blood-thinners. He'll be there 2-5 days. He's doing better today and the long-term prognosis is good.

Your prayers would be appreciated.

Friday's Funny

As you can tell by my recent posts, I've been inspired by DakotaPam over at It's Time For More Coffee. I love the way she themes her posts each day and thought this would be a great help to me. I've been struggling lately with my "funk" and also with what to post on my blog. So, thank you dear friend for your inspiration.

Now, for today's post: Friday's Funny. Today's funny is this picture of Gracey taken last week-end on our Rapid City get-away.

Thursday's Three Things of Thanks

This Thursday I am thankful for:

1. God's financial providence for our family. Though I often lament not having more money, there's always enough. God is good.
2. Gracey who is currently kissing my hands repeatedly. Thank God for strong-willed, independent litle girls. May that carry her through adult-hood.
3. Scott's new job/promotion. He comes home happy. Praise God.

Wednesday's Wisdom: Forgiveness

Often on Wednesday nights, I speak at our church's worship service, The Alternative. It's a way-cool multimedia worship service featuring short message videos, worship videos and short personal messages from 3-5 different speakers. I really love being a part of the service and sharing with others what God has done in my life.

The best way for me to prepare is to write out what I'm going to say as if I were writing a story or an article. It dawned on me last night that I could also blog that! Voila! Funk over!

March 10: Forgiveness

Several weeks ago, Adam and Scott had an argument. I don't remember the details, but basically Adam had done something Scott didn't like. So after many tears, Adam went to Scott and apologized. A few minutes later, I found Adam sitting at the kitchen counter crying. I asked him what was wrong.

"Daddy didn't say I forgive you," he said. Adam's kindergarten teacher always reminds the children to say "I forgive you" when a freind has apologized. So Adam thought his daddy didn't forgive him because Scott didn't say it aloud. But they worked it out.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject and a hard thing to comprehend. Even as Christians who recognize the importance of being forgiven by God and the importance of forgiving others, we often miss the mark.

I've learned that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to endure being mistreated. The Bible says "turn the other cheek" and to me that doesn't mean to let the assailant slap you around some more. To me, it means to look the other direction, not to dwell on the hurt, to move on.

I've also learned that forgiveness doesn't mean ignoring the situation, moving half-way across the country or hoping I'll never see the person again. But, sometimes it does help to remove yourself from the situation so you can heal and eventually forgive.

And I've also realized that the act of forgiveness is more like a crock pot and less like a microwave. Just saying "I forgive you" does not make everything go away. Praying for God's help for forgiveness also can take time. Though both actions are vital to forgiving others, neither one give instantaneous results.

For me, forgiveness is a constant process of conscionsentious actions. Every day I have to say "I forgive you" and every day I have to pray for God's help to forgive. And in time, the anger and hurt give way to forgiveness and then hopefully love and reconciliation.

I'm still working on forgiving people. It's something we can never give up because God doesn't give up on us.

You Really Can Have It All

Yesterday I sat in a meeting room in Denver with 16 other AVON District Sales Managers and our Division Sales Manager while her boss, the Regional Sales Manager of the Midwest, gave us a talk on guilt and family-work balance.

"You really can have it all," she told us at the end. I cried throughout the entire talk. Many other DSMs also cried.

The thing of it is, I already had it all because I had all I wanted. And this temporary full-time job has robbed me of my life while inflating my checking account. And honestly, there isn't enough money in the world to replace my little provincial life.

So lucky for me this job comes to an end February 12 despite my boss's implores to stay indefinitely through at least April.

Hopefully I won't develop a stomach ulcer before then.