End of Kindergarten, Already?

With the 2009-2010 school year coming to a close, I've found myself thinking a lot about Adam's first year of elementary school.

I was not even the slightest bit excited about Adam starting kindergarten last summer. I had panic attacks about running out of time with him over the summer, but the first day of school was my all time low.

That morning I found myself standing in my kitchen, holding a dirty dish towel to my face while I sobbed. I kept saying"I can't do this today; I can't do this today." After getting dressed with more crying (from me, not him), we headed off for the school, just about a mile from our house.

I watched him on the playground before school started and when the bell rang, we lined up with the other kindergartners and parents. I was a bawling mess. As we unpacked his backpack into his cubby in the hall, the second bell rang. We both jumped, startled out of our wits. Then it was time to let him go into the classroom. I cried all the way out to the car and the whole way to Cracker Barrel where I was meeting other moms for breakfast.

When I arrived at Cracker Barrel, I was surprised and overwhelmed. I'd been told a few of us would have breakfast. But there were no less than 25 moms there. I sat with a few friends from MOPS who successfuly derailed the tears. I downed diet coke after diet coke to soothe myself.

That afternoon, my dad and I picked Adam up from school in the mule. I was so excited to have my boy back after a long day without him. But, something wasn't right. I whispered my concern to my dad. He reassured me Adam was just tired and probably a little overwhelmed. Oh I how hoped he was right.

But our mornings -- including the one when I got a speeding ticket in front of the school -- followed the same pattern. I didn't cry, but Adam begged me to stay with him on the playground until the bell rang. I couldn't leave him and I just knew something was wrong. This wasn't how my Adam behaved. Our afternoons also followed suit. Adam would be quiet, and when I'd ask about school he'd get belligerant. Things went from bad to worse and over Labor Day week-end, Adam had a total breakdown. He was crying and yelling about school. Poor kid was so unhappy.

In the second week of school, I decided to talk to some other kindergarten moms at other schools. And then I visited Martin Luther Christian School. What do you know? I cried again when I saw their kindergarten classroom. I knew this was the school experience I wanted for my kids. So I took Adam to see the classroom and meet the teacher. On the way home he told me that he thought it would be good to switch schools because he wasn't learning anything. More stories have come out as the year has gone by and I know we made the right choice.

So now here I am, only a few weeks left in Adam's kindergarten year and I'm again having panic attacks that I'm running out of time and again find myself in tears over the silliest things he says and does. Oh my, no one told me that motherhood would be so emotional!

In my heart I know everything is going to be okay and I still have lots and lots of time left to enjoy my boy. But some days, it's hard to convince my head of this.