...and it still hurts.
The ache is so real some times, that I find myself doubled over. Like tonight when I stood in my kitchen, face buried in my hands, all sobs and tears.
Other times it's just a dull ache. A frustrating memory. A time in my life that I would do anything to forget. A time in my life that I wish never, ever happened.
It's mourning at its worse. Because when I mourn the loss of loved ones, the grandparents I never knew because they died when I was young, or the grandparents I knew so well it's almost like they're not even gone, I mourn that they're not here with me. But I know that we'll see each other once again. So this mourning I can bear.
But the ache of this mourning isn't as easily burdened. For I will never go back to those days before the incident. My life has irreversibly changed. And this isn't a bad thing. I don't think I would want to live that life; I'm certain it wasn't the life God intended for me.
But the fact remains: something was taken from me and it hurts.
This makes me think of Paul. He repeatedly asked God to remove his "thorn," the thing that hurt him, that which made him suffer. Many have theorized what the thorn was. Was it an ailment? Was it a spiritual struggle? What was this horrible thing that Paul so wanted removed?
Why do we think the thorn was something Paul had?
Perhaps it was something he lost. The pain of loss can seem unbearable at times. Maybe he was crying out for God to remove that pain. Or maybe, like me, he wanted his memory wiped clean of a loss he'd suffered.
I'm reminded that despite Paul's suffering, he was a triumphant solider in God's army. God never failed him. And that is probably why he suffered to begin with: to remind the injured that God heals all wounds, not time. It might take 9 years or it might take 90, but God's grace is sufficient. God's grace is powerful. God's grace is good. There is nothing better.
May you go in peace, knowing that God's grace is all you need.
P.S. Read the August 2 entry below for back-story.
