Don't Look Back

Recently, I was thinking back to decisions I've made. Good ones. Bad ones. All of them got me to where I am today. And suddenly I was reminded that looking back holds you up. I thought of the story of Lot's wife in Genesis 19. Two verses spoke directly to what I was thinking about:

v.17, 26 Don't look back and don't stop anywhere on the plain! Flee to the
mountains or you will be swept away. But Lot's wife looked back and she became a
pillar of salt.

You can't move forward when you're looking back. Can you imagine driving forward down the street in a straight line while looking out the back window? It just wouldn't happen. You'd end up in the ditch for certain. Even if you were just looking in your side mirror instead of looking ahead you would end up in trouble. "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear." You could get sucked into regret, despair, or even pride.

I've been thinking about how we decided to move to Bismarck instead of Dickinson. Thinking about the time I lost with Adam when I could have been playing with him instead of cleaning. I've reflected on screwed-up relationships with estranged relatives. And of course, last week's election has been on my mind as well as Bush's presidency. The question that kept coming to my mind: "how did we get here?"

There's a difference between learning from history and living for it. We have to learn from our good decisions and learn from the bad ones. We can't continue to pat ourselves on the back for doing a good job or beat ourselves up for screwing up. Because if you're living for the past, you're looking back and that means you're stuck.

But, more there's more to it than that. Lot's wife looked back onto Sodom & Gomorrah, longingly we presume, and she turned to salt. A pillar of salt. A pillar is immovable. Salt scatters. So looking back leaves us stuck but it also scatters us. Our goals, our future, our hope, everything ends up scattered. I dont know about you, but I hate when I feel scattered or out of focus. It renders me useless. This makes me think of two other verses:

Jeremiah 13:24
I will scatter you like chaff driven by the desert wind.

James 1:6
But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

A few months ago, my sister stopped by and as we stood in my driveway, a big wind came up and blew the paperwork on the seat of her car right out into the yard. They scattered. They were blown and tossed. What a mess and a total hassle to retrieve them all.She was exhausted after she collected all the papers. And it was stressful. I don't know about you but I don't need any additional stress or exhaustion in my life.

So looking back is useless. Yes it's good to learn from history. Good to reminisce. But anything more than that turns us into an immovable statue of dust. No thanks.

Halloween, Election and other Ramblings

Our first halloween as a complete family was a total dream come true. Adam dressed as Capt Jack Sparrow and Gracie was Sleeping Beauty. Yes, this Disney-crazed mommy had a pirate and a princess. It was perfect. Well, as perfect as a ridiculous holiday like halloween can be. Neither Scott nor I are big on the holiday mostly because of its pagan beginnings but also because it's turned into a commericalized nightmare of death. Okay that's a little harsh but you get the point. Growing up, halloween wasn't a big deal at my house. My sister and I dressed up for our school's Harvest Day Parade but our costumes had to be historical, literary, animal or Biblical. I remember dressing as Delilah one year complete with giant scissors made from foil and cardboard. Another year my friends and I were Job's daughters. The entire 3rd grade class always went as an Indian tribe while the entire 4th grade class was cowboys/girls. I was Queen Elizabeth in 5th grade and in 6th grade my friends and I dressed as a wedding party based on the book "My Sister's Wedding." I only remember dressing up for five halloweens since then: a pirate, little red riding hood, Cinderella, the Fairy Godmother and when I was teaching I dressed as a Hawaiian tourist. Scott, on the other hand, says he was halloween crazed. Evidently he and his friends would do huge haunted houses and even had a funeral procession one time. So weird.

Anyway, that was last week. This week there was the election. Bah humbug. All I can say is now it's my turn to complain about the president over the next four years. No seriously, God is in control and there is nothing that Obama can do to me or this country that can snatch His grace and goodness from me. I'd really like to vent about his win, but I'll just take a deep breath and pray instead.

Huh. When I sat down to write, I had a lot to say. Then I got up to get the power cord for my failing laptop battery and forgot what it was I wanted to tell you. So I'll just call it a night.

A Rose is Still a Rose Cont'd

Picking up where I left off with my study of 2 Cor 4:10-18...

v.10-12 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that
the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive
are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may
be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life
is at work in you.

To me this says, "look you can't have life without death." Think about folks who have nearly died, they appreciate life more. Like in the wake of 9/11 when Americans valued more than just material goods. Or it's like spring's awakening after the death of winter. We can't appreciate the new life spring brings unless we've seen the death of winter. For me, being a native Californian, I didn't know what spring was. Very few trees/plants go dormant during a California winter. The grass doesn't turn brown. So until I moved here, I had no appreciation for spring because I'd never seen the death of winter.

v. 15- 16 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

I often ask myself and God, "Why?" Why do I struggle? Why is everything so hard right now?Why am I walking along this rocky road? What is the point. And then something or someone reminds me it's so that I can see, feel, hear and taste His grace. So my faith can grow. So God can receive glory. Things that come easy to us aren't appreciated the same way we appreciate things for which we've worked or even struggled. It's like the statement, "We go through what we go through so we can help others get through what we went through." And then the instruction, "Don't give up!" Don't get discouraged. Don't be afraid. Makes me think of the children's book, "The Little Engine that Could." "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." And that gets us to the outward appearance versus the inward state. Some days I know my outward appearance accurately depicts what I'm feeling inside be it happiness or despair. Other days, I do my best to make my outward appearance look like all is well while in the inside I'm struggling. Kind of like that old song, "Tears of a Clown." But here it says we are wasting away outwardly and inwardly being renewed. That's a direct reflection of how this world will pass away but our spirits will live on. How everything we buy will meet its demise but time spent with loved ones, time spent with God will last forever.

v.17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.

I dont' know about you but my troubles don't often feel light nor momentary. Hence the name troubles. They never seem manageable while we're trudging through them. Looking back on the suffering though, and we see how brief it really was. In the grand scheme of things even a year of trouble is short. The "trouble" is necessary for the "glory." No guts, no glory. No pain, no gain. No pregnancy/adoption process, no baby. But the thing is the glory always outweighs the trouble. So, I'm sitting here thinking how "heavy" my troubles are right now. The glory revealed at the end of all this is going to be HUGE!

v.18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For
what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

If you've ever owned your own business, lost weight, or even just purchased something on layaway, you're familiar with goals. You know what it is to focus on something you can't see. Imagine the unimaginable. That's all this is saying. But it specifically calls us to focus not on material goals, manmade ideals or worldly gain. It calls us to focus on future glory, on eternal life, on heaven if you will. These days, with all the talk about Obama being the antichrist and this being the end times, it is so easy to get wrapped up in the world. Sometimes I catch myself freaking out that I haven't done all I wanted to do, or I'll find myself just plain scared. That's when I have to remind myself to focus on the unseen glory of heaven. Like the song says, "I can only imagine..."

So when I started this post 11 days ago, I titled it "A rose is still a rose." For those of you who know me personally, you catch the play on words. But when I first read this passage, this is the phrase that popped into my head. You see no matter what you do to a rose, no matter how harsh the winter, how dry the summer, or how glorious the spring, a rose is still a rose.

A rose is still a rose

So yesterday my devotional, which was entitled "A Life of Becoming", was based on 2 Cor 4: 7-18. It made me reflect upon the current financial crisis in this country, and my own financial challenges, as well as the election at hand, in a new way. Here's what I mean.

vs. 8-9 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

You could easily deduce that many Americans are "hard pressed on every side" with credit card debt, over-their-head mortgages, high gas prices (though they're down to $2.99 here!) and the ever increasing price of food and essentials. But despite the doomsday-spouting media, most are not "crushed" by these hard times. I know some days it feels pretty squeaky tight around here but we're not crushed.

Many of us republicans are perplexed by not only our candidate but Obama too. We are perplexed that McCain hasn't called him out on so many things and perplexed that people actually believe the hogwash Obama spews. Yet we are not yet despaired. Personally, Scott and I have been perplexed a lot lately. We are continuously perplexed at the ebb and flow of our business. Some days the perplexity borders on discouragement but these days we are not despaired.

Persecuted? Oh yes, I know many Americans are feeling persecuted by bill collectors, and the like. But if only they'd realize they are not abandoned by the Almighty that would bring them comfort. We don't have bill collectors calling us, but again, we often feel persecuted in that we don't have the money to do all the things we want to do. Or persecuted in that we don't have all the business we want, or the customers are difficult and keep changing their minds. Sometimes I feel persecuted by my children who are always "taking" but so rarely "giving." Yet in all of this, we are never abandoned. He has never left us and never will leave us.

A few months ago, Scott and I felt struck down. We felt knocked on our butts by something a "friend" did and said. It has taken months for us to recover from this. And it did nearly destroy our business, our confidence, our forward motion. But we remained faithful. We continued to seek His guidance and He spared us from destruction.

There's so much more to this passage...but my laptop battery is about to die. I will pick up tomorrow and you will see why I say "a rose is still a rose."

Fall has fallen

Without question, fall is my favorite time of year. The colors of the leaves, especially the fire engine red, are just jaw-dropping beautiful. I love seeing the huge hay rolls alongside the roads and hearing the geese above head. It's so surreal sometimes that I have to remind myself that I'm awake. The only thing missing from the fantasy is football. We watch it on TV as much as possible but the Raiders aren't on TV much here. And, honestly, there's nothing that can replace the experience of being in the black hole itself.

But fall also means my schedule gets full fast. From August until February, it's crazy holiday chaos at Avon and since I work part-part-time for the company as well as sell, it's doubly crazy for me. And MOPS started in September, so that keeps me busy on Thursdays. I've also joined a book club and I'm thinking of starting a writers' group. But maybe not until January. To answer your question, yes I'm writing. I haven't sold any other pieces yet, but I'm working on it. A few weeks ago, I felt a friendly pressure from my Maker to get back to work and start writing again. I know without question He has something He wants me to write, I just need to do it.
The election consumes most of my brain-space these days. I'm so excited to have Palin on the ticket and am planning a "Palin Power/Moms for McCain" event for October.

Whew!

Since Gracie and I came home from the hospital, it's been pretty non-stop around here. I pushed myself too hard that first week and had a little set-back in my c-section recovery. But a little rest went a long way and now I'm feeling nearly 100%. The nerves are starting to regenerate so I have some itchiness along my abdomen and some numbness still in my rear, but other than that, I'm good as new. All the baby weight is gone plus an additional 8 pounds, so I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm short on time tonight, so I'll just tell you about the photos below and post more later. First, we discovered we didn't have a current "Wolfer family" photo that included Adam and/or Gracie. So, we rectified that problem on Saturday before going on a trail ride at She-She's. On Sunday, we went to Medora with Grammy, Pops, Grandpa and Grandma K. While there, we drove through Theodore Roosevelt National Park and three times we had to stop for buffalo crossing the road. The first time the buffalo came right up to the RV so I got some great photos.

1 to 2

Well before I go into my last day as a mommy of one, I'll tell you about our 4th. We spent the afternoon at my parents' neighbor's house where we had a BBQ and homemade ice cream. The kids went on a treasure hunt and then we all went to my parents' for swimming. Then we went back to the neighbor's for dinner. Isn't that funny? But that's the way people are up here. Mi casa es su casa is really the mindset. I think about the neighborhood I grew up in in San Leandro. Until we got married, I'd never lived anywhere else (well except for that summer at Oxford). The neighbors were as good as family, I thought. But, in the 31 years my parents lived on that street, they were never once invited over for a BBQ. That just didn't happen on Daily Court. Here we've known folks no more than 2 years and we're treated like family. I'm not saying folks are better people up here. I just look at this as another confirmation that moving here was meant to be for us.

Anyhow, after dinner, Scott and Pops went to buy fireworks. You won't believe the kind of fireworks we can set off here. We're talking rockets launched several hundred feet into the air with repetitive explosions. So Scott starts the show, at the end of my parents driveway and I sit with Adam, G and P up on the porch under the eaves, about 200 feet away. Halfway through the "show", Scott lights one of the big rockets but part of it misfires and shoots right at us. It lands about 4 feet to my left and then explodes. The boom was so loud I felt disoriented afterwards. When I came to my senses and saw that Adam was okay, I realized my arm was burning. Sure enough I'd caught a spark and have two 2nd degree burns, each about the size of a nickel. And I also had a bunch of singed hair.

Can you believe it?! I'm okay now, but it's kind of funny. Growing up, I was always terrified of fireworks whether they were sparklers or the show at Disneyland. I was always certain that I'd get hurt. I would hide inside the souvenir shops at Disneyland because I thought the sparks would land on me. What I didn't know is that one day they would! In our own backyard! Ironic!
So it's a little after 8pm here, and that means in less than 12 hours our baby girl will be here. Today's been kind of surreal. Everything is done and we're ready to go. It kind of feels like the night before our wedding. It's hard to believe tomorrow is the big day and all this waiting and preparation has led up to this. Months and months of waiting, planning, praying and here it is. I'm not really nervous. I wasn't nervous the night before our wedding, nor was I nervous the night before Adam was induced. I'm just ready to be mama of two.

So I'm signing off as Adam's mama only to return as mama of two.